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Apr 13, 2015

I am heartbroken and defeated

She told me she's filing for full custody. She asked me not to fight it. I can't, anyway. I can't afford a lawyer. I likely won't be able to afford a trip to Other State. She's offering me visitation.

I'm so tired of fighting. I spoke to my little girl on Saturday. She was still trying to fix things. She asked me to just write an E-mail telling her Mother "I love you." I told her that I do love her mom but that things had gone too far for that to fix things, that it wasn't her job to fix things, and that it wasn't her fault. All the while I was bawling because my heart was breaking. She is such a sweet, loving little girl, and I could hear in her voice that she just wants her family intact.

I then get an e-mail and a voicemail chewing me out for "breaking my daughters heart and hurting her feelings." Even being honest with my daughter is abuse in my wife's eyes. I can't do anything right.

Last night, Progeny says she doesn't want to talk to me.

All I can do is pray. And cry in private. It's all I have left. That and hope I will one day see my little girl.

I give up.

Apr 5, 2015

Happy Easter.

I could moan and bitch right now about being alone at Easter. About missing my family. And believe me, I do miss my family. It hurts.

But this morning. I forced myself to go to Mass. And during the Homily, I heard a message of Hope. It's the first Hope I've had in a long time. and I choose to share that with you instead.

Over the last few Sundays, I've gotten the impression that there was a miracle of Pentecost going on. The sermons have seemed specifically targeted to my circumstances. I don't know if the rest of the congregation heard the same Homily I did, or not. I didn't ask.

The message I heard today related to Good Friday, and Easter. You can't have an Easter Celebration without looking back to Good Friday, and Good Friday is meaningless, without Easter. And the theme of the Message (and I've been hearing variations on this theme all through Lent) is that God has something good in mind for me, too. I can't point to specifics, it's just the germ of an idea, that these bad times I have been going through are not the end. That there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of this painful experience.

I have Faith. And I will freely admit that it's a weak Faith, but it's there, quietly refusing to stop knowing that God is here, in the midst of things, working things out for the good of His wayward child. I'll be honest, I don't know why, I gave up on me years ago.

Now I have Hope, that there is something good waiting for me, as this unfolds to it's ordained end. I don't know what it is, but it's enough for now. I have the hope of a whispered and half heard Promise. Just. Keep. Going.

And oddly enough, I have Love. There's the obvious, I love Progeny. But even after all that's happened, I still love my wife. She told me that she's happier, now, without me. So out of love for her, I will not deny her her happiness, even if it means my own pain. I miss them. Terribly. But love means looking towards the good of the beloved, even, sometimes, at your own expense.

She's told me she's filing for divorce. And that she doesn't trust me with joint custody of Progeny. She's told me she "might remarry me in the future, if she can learn to trust me again," which strikes me as trying to let me down easy. If divorcing me is what will make her happy, then so be it. I do intend to fight to stay in my little girl's life. I can't do otherwise.

I will freely admit that I may go back to "woe is me" tomorrow. For right now, in this moment, I'm going to cherish this gift of Hope my Lord has given me.

Apr 1, 2015

Regarding the Religious Freedom kerfuffle

It's summed up nicely in the first antiphon for Morning Prayer in my Breviary today(Wednesday of Holy Week, for future reference).

"Evil men said: Let us make the just man suffer, he sets himself against our way of life."

It is, quite simply, a war of mutually exclusive ideas.

Seriously, in this day and age, are you completely unable to get a cake made by someone else? You HAVE to force a Christian to go against their principles?

I get that their side and mine disagree. I even get that there are some Christians who would absolutely love to force gays to act straight.

Here's my solution. If it's not biblical, let me know.

God gave us Free Will. Some people abuse that Free Will by going against His Will, and do so knowingly. God freely respects that choice. I suggest we do the same.

This is not to say we can't be like John the Baptist warning people of the consequences of their decisions. Not condemning, mind, warning.  And for the love of all that's Holy, don't go full Westboro. Never go full Westboro. DO NOT BE HATEFUL. Witness to the Truth, in Love. Witnessing to the Truth in Love was how Jesus got the despised sinners, e.g. tax collectors and prostitutes, of His day to repent.

Thing is, just like John the Baptist, we risk, when we do so, losing our lives for the sake of the Truth. John called out Herod and his wife for incest. He lost his head for it. Jesus ticked of the Religious Authorities of his day who were more interested in secular power than in doing the Will of God, and got Crucified. This is what it means to be a Disciple of Christ. Your reward is not in this life. Remember that.

Mar 22, 2015

I've read this book before...

They say that those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it.

Lets see here, the Canaanites tried to get rid of the Jews, and we don't see the Kingdom of Canaan anymore.

The Philistines, where is Philistia? Beuller... Beuller...

The Babalonians, same same.

Rome... crickets.

The 1000 Year Reich lasted what, 15 years?

And now Iran, ISIS, and a lot of radical Islam want to abolish Israel.

Go nuke another bag of popcorn, would you please? I think I know how this'll turn out.

Mar 20, 2015

FML

I spend all night having nightmares about being unable to protect my daughter. I wake up this morning, and my wife tells me that Progeny has asked for my prayers because she's sick, and, "Will I be there for her birthday?"

I haven't been on the new job long enough to earn vacation time, and I can't afford it right now anyway.

Suck it up, punch your demons in the throat, drive on. That's the only solution I have right now. Time to make it happen. 

Mar 18, 2015

Depressive's Prayer

Disclaimer: This is a release of emotions, not a declaration of intent. Think it could be set to music? 


Are you there, God?
Do you even care, God?
Don't you see my tears, God?
Don't you know my fears, God?

Chorus: 
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just bear it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just wear it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just fake it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I can't take it.

Can you feel my pain, Lord?
Can't you see that I'm ashamed, Lord?
Why am I alone, Lord?
I feel it in my bones, Lord.

Chorus:


You promised You'd be there, God.
And it didn't matter where, God.
I don't have any hope, God.
And I want to tie the rope, God.

Chorus: 
 
I'm crying out in prayer, Lord.
I really hope you're there, Lord.
I don't know what to do, Lord.
I'm hanging on for You, Lord.

Chorus: 

It really hurts a lot, God.
And I want to take the shot, God.
I can't take it any more, God.
My life is just a war, God.

Chorus: 
 
You know my little girl, Lord?
You know she's my whole world, Lord?
Please keep her safe for me, Lord.
When in a better place I'll be, Lord.

Chorus: 


Not that I think this is all that good, but just in case: This post Copyright (c) 2015, all rights reserved.

Mar 12, 2015

You know...

It takes a lot of stones and very little brains to make fun of a man twice your age for wearing an OEF cowboy hat. That boy is going far in life. It'll be in the wrong damn direction, but far.

I just walked away. I've been called worse, by better. Not worth my time.