I am heartbroken and defeated

She told me she's filing for full custody. She asked me not to fight it. I can't, anyway. I can't afford a lawyer. I likely won't be able to afford a trip to Other State. She's offering me visitation.

I'm so tired of fighting. I spoke to my little girl on Saturday. She was still trying to fix things. She asked me to just write an E-mail telling her Mother "I love you." I told her that I do love her mom but that things had gone too far for that to fix things, that it wasn't her job to fix things, and that it wasn't her fault. All the while I was bawling because my heart was breaking. She is such a sweet, loving little girl, and I could hear in her voice that she just wants her family intact.

I then get an e-mail and a voicemail chewing me out for "breaking my daughters heart and hurting her feelings." Even being honest with my daughter is abuse in my wife's eyes. I can't do anything right.

Last night, Progeny says she doesn't want to talk to me.

All I can do is pray. And cry in private. It's all I have left. That and hope I will one day see my little girl.

I give up.

Happy Easter.

I could moan and bitch right now about being alone at Easter. About missing my family. And believe me, I do miss my family. It hurts.

But this morning. I forced myself to go to Mass. And during the Homily, I heard a message of Hope. It's the first Hope I've had in a long time. and I choose to share that with you instead.

Over the last few Sundays, I've gotten the impression that there was a miracle of Pentecost going on. The sermons have seemed specifically targeted to my circumstances. I don't know if the rest of the congregation heard the same Homily I did, or not. I didn't ask.

The message I heard today related to Good Friday, and Easter. You can't have an Easter Celebration without looking back to Good Friday, and Good Friday is meaningless, without Easter. And the theme of the Message (and I've been hearing variations on this theme all through Lent) is that God has something good in mind for me, too. I can't point to specifics, it's just the germ of an idea, that these bad times I have been going through are not the end. That there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of this painful experience.

I have Faith. And I will freely admit that it's a weak Faith, but it's there, quietly refusing to stop knowing that God is here, in the midst of things, working things out for the good of His wayward child. I'll be honest, I don't know why, I gave up on me years ago.

Now I have Hope, that there is something good waiting for me, as this unfolds to it's ordained end. I don't know what it is, but it's enough for now. I have the hope of a whispered and half heard Promise. Just. Keep. Going.

And oddly enough, I have Love. There's the obvious, I love Progeny. But even after all that's happened, I still love my wife. She told me that she's happier, now, without me. So out of love for her, I will not deny her her happiness, even if it means my own pain. I miss them. Terribly. But love means looking towards the good of the beloved, even, sometimes, at your own expense.

She's told me she's filing for divorce. And that she doesn't trust me with joint custody of Progeny. She's told me she "might remarry me in the future, if she can learn to trust me again," which strikes me as trying to let me down easy. If divorcing me is what will make her happy, then so be it. I do intend to fight to stay in my little girl's life. I can't do otherwise.

I will freely admit that I may go back to "woe is me" tomorrow. For right now, in this moment, I'm going to cherish this gift of Hope my Lord has given me.

Depressive's Prayer

Disclaimer: This is a release of emotions, not a declaration of intent. Think it could be set to music? 


Are you there, God?
Do you even care, God?
Don't you see my tears, God?
Don't you know my fears, God?

Chorus: 
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just bear it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just wear it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I just fake it.
You bore Your Cross for love;
I can't take it.

Can you feel my pain, Lord?
Can't you see that I'm ashamed, Lord?
Why am I alone, Lord?
I feel it in my bones, Lord.

Chorus:


You promised You'd be there, God.
And it didn't matter where, God.
I don't have any hope, God.
And I want to tie the rope, God.

Chorus: 
 
I'm crying out in prayer, Lord.
I really hope you're there, Lord.
I don't know what to do, Lord.
I'm hanging on for You, Lord.

Chorus: 

It really hurts a lot, God.
And I want to take the shot, God.
I can't take it any more, God.
My life is just a war, God.

Chorus: 
 
You know my little girl, Lord?
You know she's my whole world, Lord?
Please keep her safe for me, Lord.
When in a better place I'll be, Lord.

Chorus: 


Not that I think this is all that good, but just in case: This post Copyright (c) 2015, all rights reserved.

Please, I beg you, listen to this song.

It hurts. It hurts more than you know, and it hurts more people than you intend.

This is why I have to find reasons to live. One of my reasons is Progeny.

Words hurt. When you say, "I only hurt your feelings," it matters just as much as if you threw a punch.  Yes, mere words hurt me. If I am less in your eyes because of that, so be it.

She hurt me, I fought back, and I lost.

Sometimes, that's how it is. I try not to bother anyone with my pain. Don't want to harsh your mellow. Today, it's too much. If you need me, I'll be in a bottle.

Today's Earworm

God, if You really love me, You'll kill me as I sleep tonight.

No, I'm not going to do it myself. It's up to Him.

Rip it out a little slower, please, so it'll hurt more.

"Daddy, I wish we had one house, and we all lived together, and you and Mommy didn't fight all the time, and we had a pool inside that didn't freeze in the winter and we could go swimming all the time." -Progeny, today when I took her to Wendy's for lunch.


Please, just kill me now.

Show of good faith

My wife felt that I had slammed her in one of my posts. As a show of good faith, that I mean her no harm, I took it down. No strings attached.

Also, I got to talk to Progeny today. She sounds very happy, and it was music to hear her voice. Things are progressing.

I have a view of matters, and my wife has a view of matters. Reconciling these disparate views is going to be part of what we have to work out.

42 days

Tomorrow, I see my wife in court. It will have been 42 days since I last saw her. I go to fight for my good name, and hopefully prove my innocence.  And ultimately, get my daughter back. 

I am not looking forward to this.

I am determined to see it through.

FML

Crying in the Shower

I posted this on FB, back after she stopped talking to me and letting me talk to Progeny. I thought I'd share it with ya'll. I wrote it out in one sitting. So it's a bit rough.

Crying In The Shower

Suck it up, they say, and be a man
Don't let your feelings show
Don't show your weakness to the world
For all the world to know.
To cry and bawl are not for thee
'Tis unmanly so they say
So I do my crying in the shower each and every day
To be a stoic is the goal of most the men I see
To face your pain unflinchingly
To force your pain to flee
But in the shower no one's there to see the tears that fall
So they can see my brave face on when I am out my walls
It's getting harder though
to do this thing, to keep the stoic way
For I have taken showers at least fifteen times today.

Funding update

Right now I am at $558.07 in PayPal, THANK YOU!

With this, I'm going to go ahead and finish paying the retainer for the lawyer in Other State. That will allow me to work on stage one, which is clearing my name and getting the TRO removed so I can (legally at least) contact my daughter.

Please keep Progeny in your prayers, as she is the one being hurt the most by this.

Legal news

So my lawyer in Other State has informed me that the Court has granted me a continuance. I now have to appear for the hearing on July 7.

She is being represented by LegalAid.

The lawyer in Other State is costing me $1200; 600 of which I have already paid. The lawyer here in Missouri(for the divorce) is charging me $1700; $700 of which I have already paid.

Thanks to all of you, I have raised $512. I need more, please. I hate asking, but I need to fight this. In addition to those retainers, I also need "traveling money" to travel 3 states away(800 miles), and to get (cheap)motels while I'm traveling.

To all those who have donated, THANK YOU for all the help you've given me. Please, spread the word. Hopefully I'll be able to cover more of this.

I haven't started a GoFundMe page because, honestly, I don't want to shame my wife the way she's shamed me. I will keep everyone appraised of how much I've raised thus far. And let you know if I spend any of it and where.

I don't know what else to do. She took my daughter, I have to fight.

As long as you are in a donating mood, help Erik and Sabra, too. 

Lawyer Bleg

God I hate this...

My wife ran off with my daughter to another State. And she filed a restraining order against me. Making me a prohibited person. I did not abuse my wife. If you want to know the details before you donate, my e-mail is on the sidebar. I warn you, it's complicated, and not pretty.

I need money to pay the lawyer handling my case, in the State where my wife is, to remove the TRO, and fight for my good name. I will put it to you, if my wife is several states away, how am I a "clear and present danger" to her? She left me, and I stayed put, waiting for her to come back, hoping it was just a temper tantrum, hoping she was at a friend's house, worrying that my daughter was OK. For the first couple of days she would call, repeat her narrative, make her demands, and let me talk to Progeny. Then she "shamed" me publicly on FaceBook. Then she cut me off. Wouldn't respond to me. Wouldn't answer the phone. Then I got served. With an out of State TRO. With the hearing in 4 days. That's when I started scrambling for legal representation.

I also need money to pay the divorce lawyer in my own State, and to fight for custody of my daughter, because I will not have my daughter be put through the same type of psychological abuse I was put through. Other bloggers can corroborate my claims. They are local to me, and have seen what my wife can be like when she's mad at me. My wife has made the claim that she doesn't "feel safe" with me. Then I say she doesn't have to stay with me anymore. I will be fighting for custody, for my daughter's safety.

I'm sorry for all the blegs. To those who know me on FB and meatspace, I'm sorry for all the drama. I've sold all my guns to partially pay for both lawyers, and to set back some money to travel from the Midwest to the Northeast. But I need more. Please help, any way you can. Help me get my daughter back. Not for me. For her.