Not in danger, just venting my feelings.

.38 on the dresser
Whiskey in my hand
On my hand I slide on
A golden wedding band
You promised me forever
that you'd love me till I die
All along it turned out
that that was just a lie

I never could be perfect
I failed a time or two
I though that it wouldn't matter
so long as I had you.
But you got sick and tired
of the man I couldn't be
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.

I put it to my temple
Squeeze the trigger nice and slow
The hammer falls on empty
Cause I'm not ready yet to go
I light another cigarette
Lay my head back and I cry
While in my head flow memories
of a life that's passed me by.

Bridge

I get out of my bed again
Ease myself down on the floor
Crawl up onto my knees
And again I ask the Lord
For the strength to go another day
To go on living in this world
And to pray that someday soon
I'll get to see my little girl

I never could be perfect
I failed a time or two
I though that it wouldn't matter
so long as I had you.
But you got sick and tired
of the man I couldn't be
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.

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I am heartbroken and defeated

She told me she's filing for full custody. She asked me not to fight it. I can't, anyway. I can't afford a lawyer. I likely won't be able to afford a trip to Other State. She's offering me visitation.

I'm so tired of fighting. I spoke to my little girl on Saturday. She was still trying to fix things. She asked me to just write an E-mail telling her Mother "I love you." I told her that I do love her mom but that things had gone too far for that to fix things, that it wasn't her job to fix things, and that it wasn't her fault. All the while I was bawling because my heart was breaking. She is such a sweet, loving little girl, and I could hear in her voice that she just wants her family intact.

I then get an e-mail and a voicemail chewing me out for "breaking my daughters heart and hurting her feelings." Even being honest with my daughter is abuse in my wife's eyes. I can't do anything right.

Last night, Progeny says she doesn't want to talk to me.

All I can do is pray. And cry in private. It's all I have left. That and hope I will one day see my little girl.

I give up.

Happy Easter.

I could moan and bitch right now about being alone at Easter. About missing my family. And believe me, I do miss my family. It hurts.

But this morning. I forced myself to go to Mass. And during the Homily, I heard a message of Hope. It's the first Hope I've had in a long time. and I choose to share that with you instead.

Over the last few Sundays, I've gotten the impression that there was a miracle of Pentecost going on. The sermons have seemed specifically targeted to my circumstances. I don't know if the rest of the congregation heard the same Homily I did, or not. I didn't ask.

The message I heard today related to Good Friday, and Easter. You can't have an Easter Celebration without looking back to Good Friday, and Good Friday is meaningless, without Easter. And the theme of the Message (and I've been hearing variations on this theme all through Lent) is that God has something good in mind for me, too. I can't point to specifics, it's just the germ of an idea, that these bad times I have been going through are not the end. That there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of this painful experience.

I have Faith. And I will freely admit that it's a weak Faith, but it's there, quietly refusing to stop knowing that God is here, in the midst of things, working things out for the good of His wayward child. I'll be honest, I don't know why, I gave up on me years ago.

Now I have Hope, that there is something good waiting for me, as this unfolds to it's ordained end. I don't know what it is, but it's enough for now. I have the hope of a whispered and half heard Promise. Just. Keep. Going.

And oddly enough, I have Love. There's the obvious, I love Progeny. But even after all that's happened, I still love my wife. She told me that she's happier, now, without me. So out of love for her, I will not deny her her happiness, even if it means my own pain. I miss them. Terribly. But love means looking towards the good of the beloved, even, sometimes, at your own expense.

She's told me she's filing for divorce. And that she doesn't trust me with joint custody of Progeny. She's told me she "might remarry me in the future, if she can learn to trust me again," which strikes me as trying to let me down easy. If divorcing me is what will make her happy, then so be it. I do intend to fight to stay in my little girl's life. I can't do otherwise.

I will freely admit that I may go back to "woe is me" tomorrow. For right now, in this moment, I'm going to cherish this gift of Hope my Lord has given me.

Rent is due

Would anyone be willing to hook me up with $60 so I can make rent?

I'm sorry, it's just been one of those years.


UPDATE: Received. Thank you.

Please, I beg you, listen to this song.

It hurts. It hurts more than you know, and it hurts more people than you intend.

This is why I have to find reasons to live. One of my reasons is Progeny.

Words hurt. When you say, "I only hurt your feelings," it matters just as much as if you threw a punch.  Yes, mere words hurt me. If I am less in your eyes because of that, so be it.

She hurt me, I fought back, and I lost.

Sometimes, that's how it is. I try not to bother anyone with my pain. Don't want to harsh your mellow. Today, it's too much. If you need me, I'll be in a bottle.

What's the point?

A man goes to work, where he has to drop everything for everybody, gets constantly told he's not doing good enough, or that he's doing it wrong, and has to do it the boss's way or he'll get fired.

Then he goes home to the love and comfort of his family. Where he has to drop everything for everybody, gets constantly told he's not doing enough, or that he's doing it wrong, and he has to do everything her way or he'll get fired divorced.

So then he turns to the hope and comfort of his religion. Where he gets told from the pulpit that he's not good enough, or that he's doing it wrong, and that he should drop everything for everyone else, and he has to do it God's way or he'll get fired eternally.

Seriously, why bother?

Sorry for the lack of blogging

I got squat. Well squat that isn't a bunch of depressing angst and pointless unproductive musings on my marriage.

So here is a picture of a cat: