Not in danger, just venting my feelings.

.38 on the dresser
Whiskey in my hand
On my hand I slide on
A golden wedding band
You promised me forever
that you'd love me till I die
All along it turned out
that that was just a lie

I never could be perfect
I failed a time or two
I though that it wouldn't matter
so long as I had you.
But you got sick and tired
of the man I couldn't be
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.

I put it to my temple
Squeeze the trigger nice and slow
The hammer falls on empty
Cause I'm not ready yet to go
I light another cigarette
Lay my head back and I cry
While in my head flow memories
of a life that's passed me by.

Bridge

I get out of my bed again
Ease myself down on the floor
Crawl up onto my knees
And again I ask the Lord
For the strength to go another day
To go on living in this world
And to pray that someday soon
I'll get to see my little girl

I never could be perfect
I failed a time or two
I though that it wouldn't matter
so long as I had you.
But you got sick and tired
of the man I couldn't be
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.
You took all the better
And the worse you left with me.

This post is a copyrighted work, all rights reserved.

And then make me a sammich

*Sigh*

St. Louis. Baltimore. Los Angeles. This is what happens when you pay the barbarians to leave you alone. They keep coming back for more. Individual lives matter. Yours, mine, black or white, gay or straight, Christian, Atheist, Catholic or Protestant. Muslim or Jew. Violence begets violence. So understand rioters, that you are NOT immune from this. You are NOT protected. Sooner or later, all your "pay us or we'll riot" political games WILL backfire, and people just. Won't. Care. Anymore. Sooner or later, the victim stops caring how it'll look to the teacher when he fights back against the bully. And THAT is when society will crumble. Because it WILL be every man for himself, and nobody will WANT to look out for his neighbor anymore. We live in a world where we have to walk a fine line between law and order and individual liberty. It's a tightrope. While balancing a house of cards on your head. And like any tightrope, the slightest misstep will cause the whole thing to fall. Not that the barbarians care. They just want to loot, pillage, rape, and burn. They are parasites, not caring that when the host dies, they die, too. Thing is, unlike most parasites, these CAN choose something different. And unlike Viking times, when the parasite actually lived elsewhere, and could be driven back, these live among us. There is no front line anymore. The societal cancer may have spread too far. I don't know if this can be fixed. At this point, we can only pray.

We all have 2 choices. One is E Pluribus Unum. The many becoming one, MLK's dream of people be judged by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin. Trash is trash, doesn't matter what color you are. Quality is quality, doesn't matter what color you are. The other is not what people purport to want, and historically leads to bad ends, but seem to be agitating towards. Separatism. Territories. Reservations. Ghettoes. An area where the Other will not go, where they can be driven back to, and where they can be found, wiped out, and destroyed on the slightest excuse. Just ask the Sioux. Or European Jews. Or Jews and Palestinians in Israel. Or South Africans of any color. I'm sure there are numerous examples.

Can we turn it around? Not with people angling for power and control. Because that's all this is about. Who controls people. Gets them do do what they want. Al Sharpton? Alex Jones? Same animal, different group they are agitating.

And I am sick of feeling agitated. I'm also sick of hiding in my blanket fort. I'm going to Church, to their Cinco De Mayo carnival, and I'm going to watch families have fun, and live vicariously for a few hours. Even if it rips my damn heart out. And I'm going to bare my teeth smile through it all. I choose to rejoice with those who rejoice today.

The large print giveth and the fine print taketh away

Bloggers helping bloggers

This is Angel. She has been a friend to many in need over the course of the 2 years she's been blogging. She is a mom to 2 Autistic daughters. She just replaced the roof on her garage.

Her laptop is now unable to type the letters t or h, and the USB ports on it are sloppy loose so she's unable to plug in an external keyboard. In other words, it needs replacing.

This is the GoFundMe. Help a fellow gunblogger out. You know what to do.

I am heartbroken and defeated

She told me she's filing for full custody. She asked me not to fight it. I can't, anyway. I can't afford a lawyer. I likely won't be able to afford a trip to Other State. She's offering me visitation.

I'm so tired of fighting. I spoke to my little girl on Saturday. She was still trying to fix things. She asked me to just write an E-mail telling her Mother "I love you." I told her that I do love her mom but that things had gone too far for that to fix things, that it wasn't her job to fix things, and that it wasn't her fault. All the while I was bawling because my heart was breaking. She is such a sweet, loving little girl, and I could hear in her voice that she just wants her family intact.

I then get an e-mail and a voicemail chewing me out for "breaking my daughters heart and hurting her feelings." Even being honest with my daughter is abuse in my wife's eyes. I can't do anything right.

Last night, Progeny says she doesn't want to talk to me.

All I can do is pray. And cry in private. It's all I have left. That and hope I will one day see my little girl.

I give up.

Happy Easter.

I could moan and bitch right now about being alone at Easter. About missing my family. And believe me, I do miss my family. It hurts.

But this morning. I forced myself to go to Mass. And during the Homily, I heard a message of Hope. It's the first Hope I've had in a long time. and I choose to share that with you instead.

Over the last few Sundays, I've gotten the impression that there was a miracle of Pentecost going on. The sermons have seemed specifically targeted to my circumstances. I don't know if the rest of the congregation heard the same Homily I did, or not. I didn't ask.

The message I heard today related to Good Friday, and Easter. You can't have an Easter Celebration without looking back to Good Friday, and Good Friday is meaningless, without Easter. And the theme of the Message (and I've been hearing variations on this theme all through Lent) is that God has something good in mind for me, too. I can't point to specifics, it's just the germ of an idea, that these bad times I have been going through are not the end. That there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of this painful experience.

I have Faith. And I will freely admit that it's a weak Faith, but it's there, quietly refusing to stop knowing that God is here, in the midst of things, working things out for the good of His wayward child. I'll be honest, I don't know why, I gave up on me years ago.

Now I have Hope, that there is something good waiting for me, as this unfolds to it's ordained end. I don't know what it is, but it's enough for now. I have the hope of a whispered and half heard Promise. Just. Keep. Going.

And oddly enough, I have Love. There's the obvious, I love Progeny. But even after all that's happened, I still love my wife. She told me that she's happier, now, without me. So out of love for her, I will not deny her her happiness, even if it means my own pain. I miss them. Terribly. But love means looking towards the good of the beloved, even, sometimes, at your own expense.

She's told me she's filing for divorce. And that she doesn't trust me with joint custody of Progeny. She's told me she "might remarry me in the future, if she can learn to trust me again," which strikes me as trying to let me down easy. If divorcing me is what will make her happy, then so be it. I do intend to fight to stay in my little girl's life. I can't do otherwise.

I will freely admit that I may go back to "woe is me" tomorrow. For right now, in this moment, I'm going to cherish this gift of Hope my Lord has given me.